The bigger victim: why you shouldn’t bond over shared hurt
The bigger victim is someone who answers your pain with “they hurt me too, worse,” and slowly takes over the role of the one who is hurting most.
Be careful who jumps on your hurt.
What it can sound like
you think that’s bad? listen to what happened to me.
they did the same thing to me, but worse.
i know exactly how you feel. actually, no one has it like me.
Example lines, made up for illustration.
The idea
- Sharing a hard time can bring people close fast. That closeness can be real. It can also be a shortcut.
- A person who keeps outdoing your pain turns your story into theirs, and now you’re the one comforting them.
- It’s often quiet and sounds caring. It’s only obvious with the loudest people.
Your move
- Notice who ends up being supported at the end of the conversation.
- Take your time before bonding over hurt with someone new.
- Ask for what you need: “I just need you to listen right now.”
To be fair
A friend who says “this is about you, how can I help?” is different, and worth keeping close.
Keep your own record
Write what you shared and how you felt afterward. Lighter or drained is a useful pattern to see. Try Ickity free for 7 days.
Questions
Is it wrong to relate to someone’s pain?
No. Relating is kind. The pattern to watch is when it always ends with you taking care of them.
What if we really have been through the same thing?
Then you can help each other, as long as it goes both ways.