How to measure a relationship: what you build together
A relationship is a vehicle. Where you’re going together is the point, so the way to measure it is by what you build, not by how good the two of you are.
Don’t put the car above the destination.
What it can sound like
but i’m a good person.
i’m trying so hard.
you know how much i love you.
Example lines, made up for illustration.
The idea
- The car is the relationship. The destination is the life you both want: the home, the family, the work you care about.
- When you judge only the car (“am I a good partner?”), you can stay in a broken one for years. When you judge the road, it’s easier to see if you’re moving.
- A toxic person makes it a contest of who is more loyal, more sorry or more hurt. A healthy partner asks where you’re going and how to get there.
Your move
- Write down where you both said you were headed.
- Ask what moved in the last few months toward it.
- Judge the road, not the effort. Trying hard isn’t the same as getting somewhere.
To be fair
Healthy couples do value the partnership itself. They value it because of what it produces for both of them.
Keep your own record
Your own entries show the road: what you wanted, what changed, what didn’t. Ickity keeps it in one private place. Try Ickity free for 7 days.
Questions
Isn’t love supposed to be unconditional?
Love can be. A relationship is a shared project, and it’s fair to ask whether it’s going anywhere you both want.
What if we don’t have big goals yet?
Start small: a trip, a habit, a plan for the next 90 days. What matters is that you’re both aiming at something.